The Greatest Heroes of the Bible
(1978 and 1979)

I hope you have a sense of humor about this section.

Summary: Never before in the history of mankind has there been more blonde-haired, blue-eyed Hebrews in the Middle East! I say this tongue in cheek of course. This short lived TV series which took place in the late 1970's was filmed in Paige, Arizona. Sure it looked like the Middle East but the continuous use of practically the same sets every fifth episode, the use of a minority of extras as a crowd of hundreds of thousands of Jews and the glowing angels may be an indication of their budget but I do applaud the attempt. The following is a list of actors that were well known television stars in the sixties and seventies that lost their income once their series ended. It was either this The Love Boat or Fantasy Island. Hey! Potsie has to eat too!

The Deluge: starring Lew Ayres (Noah) and Eve Plumb (Jan of Brady Bunch fame).
Commentary: The plot is as follows: Noah tries to stop the wickedness of a city, Noah son falls in love with a girl (Plumb). She's sold into slavery, she escapes. Noah buys her freedom for her son. They get married. The flood comes and goes. The credits roll.
Portraying the daughter-in-law of Noah sold into slavery prior to the flood it looked like fair skinned Jan needed some Coppertone. It should said that Miss Plumb took another Noah "role" in the biblical comedy "And God Spoke." She played Noah's wife this time. Will review "And God Spoke" soon. The sons of Noah beardless? Maybe there was a mange epidemic among the young ship builders, but Ayres gives a good performance.

The Tower of Babel: starring Ron Palillo (Horshack of Welcome Back Kotter) and Erin Moran (Joanie from Happy Days).
Commentary: The two main characters (Palillo and Moran) hatch a plot to stop the building of the famed tower. Half way through this episode I was tempted to lift my hand for a question….oooh! oooh! ooh! Who wrote this script Mr. Kotter? Hail Amathar! Watch the episode...you'll get the Amathar reference.

Abraham's Sacrifice: starring Gene Barry (Abraham, with a really bad wig and beard), Ed Ames and Ross Martin (Wild, Wild West).
Commentary: This episode starts with the accidental killing of an enemies son by Abraham, is this in the Bible? Hmm? And continues on with the plot of Hagar and her uncle (Martin) first trying rescue Ishmael (not biblical) and then attempting to supersede Abrahams desire that Isaac be the inheritor over his older brother. The episode ends with the near sacrifice scene. Barry gives a good perfomance but he should've grown the beard himself.

Sodom and Gomorrah: starring Ed Ames (Lot) and Gene Barry (Abraham).
Commentary: Lot splits with Abraham and moves toward Sodom, gets captured, freed and eventually rises to some degree of leadership in Sodom. Lot eventually meets up with glowing angels and they shoot laser beams. Wow, that's neat! Sodom is destroyed and Lots wife turns into "BEST YET Salt" but I'm not sure if she's iodized (iodine treated description on BEST YET products).

Jacob's Challenge: starring Barry Williams, June Lockhart (Lost in Space and Lassie), Peter Fox and Stephen Elliot.
Commentary: to Brady Bunch theme = Here's the story, of a man named Barry, who couldn't get a job to save his life. Well he got this one. The eldest Brady kid plays Jacob, a momma's boy who can't shoot a bow but his athletic brother can, eventually deceives his blind father into thinking he's the elder twin (Esau played by Fox) and flees. At the conclusion God encourages Jacob but warns him of future difficulties, perhaps referring to the short lived Brady variety series with the fake Jan.

Joseph in Egypt: starring Sam Bottoms ( a fair haired Joseph with a beard in Egypt? He looks a little like Bob Larson, former radio demonologist out of Denver), Sorrell Brooke (Dukes of Hazzard), Walter Brooke, Bernie Kopell (Doc from Love Boat, Get Smart) and John Larrouquette (Night Court).
Commentary: The episode chronicles Joseph being sold into slavery by his brothers (Larrouquette is a really tall Hebrew. The only brother of the 12 that had a beard looked very confused and perhaps on mood altering chemicals), bought by Potipher (Kopell: a hen pecked, smarmy official) and eventually becomes second in command of Egypt. Good perfomance by Walter Brooke as Jacob.

Moses: starring John Marley (Moses with a bad beard), Joseph Campanella (One Day at a Time) and Frank Gorshin (Riddler, Batman TV series).
Commentary: The show opens with Moses going to Sinai "struggling" and I mean struggling to get up that Arizona bluff (I don't think Marley was that young at the time this was filmed) almost gets crushed by paper mache rocks, encounters the burning bush minus the sheep (Exodus 3:1), confronts Pharaoh (Campanella) with his brother Aaron (in the Ten Commandments, the former actor is replaced by Richard Mulligan of Empty Nest, Soap fame), doles out the 10 plagues with Hebrew slave/skeptic (Gorshin) as his tormentor. Good performances by Campanella and first Aaron.

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AND GOD SPOKE

Ever seen "This Is Spinal Tap?" No question about it. I believe this film should be edited (language/limited nudity) and put into Churches. I know that the Churches would love this film about Noah's Ark getting stuck in a warehouse door during filming, the Incredible Hulk (Ferrigno) as Cain/Andy Dick (NewsRadio) as Abel, a disciple wearing the glasses and Noah, the former Klingon.

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JESUS
(CBS, 2000)

.....The CBS film called Jesus that was released in 2000 begins with a dream sequence. Joan of Ark is being burned at the stake and soon after WWII soldiers are depicted fleeing from the enemy. This film, at last set within the proper period of history, explores the supposed romance between Jesus and Mary, sister of Martha, in which he confesses to his father Joseph that he loves her but cannot be with her. Joseph, Jesus, and Mary are then confronted with Matthew, the tax collector, who breaks into their home to take taxes. That evening, Joseph bemoans the suffering of the Jews. Jesus is offended by the assertion by Joseph that he is the expected Messiah who can relieve the present suffering. Jesus then storms out of the room and down the stairs. After Joseph's death Jesus mourns then tells Mary that he has only one father and that is Joseph. Jesus is then prompted by Mary to go on his mission, Jesus then visits John to be baptized. John does not view Jesus as the Messiah but calls him a sinner who needs to repent of his sins (not in the video released to the general public). Soon after, Jesus is baptized, then he (Jesus) becomes the Messiah and confronts Satan in a bizarre interpretation of his temptations.

The Temptations
....Jesus is first confronted by Satan in the form of woman with a red sash. The woman is then transformed into only the flowing sash. The Devil is then transformed into what is best described as a businessman with a really nice Armani suit. The Devil takes Jesus to a poverty-stricken South American village filled with starving victims, and then Jesus is magically removed from the area. Jesus is then taken to the Temple in Jerusalem, Satan is turned back into the woman with the red sash, and Jesus is shown the entire world from outer space. Jesus and the satanic businessman are soon back in the desert setting where it is decided that Jesus has passed the temptations. The devil will have to bide his time.

Egypt?
.... Jesus' ministry finally begins. He collects his disciples, and Mary tells him the story about their Egypt experiences. In a flashback, Mary recalls the situation in which Jesus and a few friends accidentally kill a bird and Jesus resurrects it. Jesus is depicted as living in Egypt at five to six years of age. Did Herod die in 4 B.C. or didn't he? The first century writer Josephus wrote that he did. The Bible says that an angel visited Joseph and encouraged him to return his family to Israel not stay a number of years as the film portrays.

A Wedding and a Loss for Words
.... Jesus and the disciples then attend the wedding at Cana. Jesus apologizes to the Disciple Andrew because the disciple expected Jesus to defeat the Romans. The final insult in this film is the depiction of the Sermon on the Mount. Jesus, prior to his address to the crowd, tells his disciples he has nothing to say. Luckily for us all, he comes up with something (CBS, 2000).

Viewer Reactions to CBS' JESUS.

There is no question that most of America is biblically illiterate and Amazon.com has proven that point time and again. The following are quotes from the online pages of Amazon. The film "Jesus" from CBS will be the first one reviewed.

"A Brilliant Piece of Work." - Reviewed by Jaimi M. Davis of Boston, Massachusetts (Amazon.com, 2002).

"This is a satisfying retelling of the life of Jesus and will please those who want new ways to explore biblical stories, as Jesus not only reinforces the ideals of the New Testament but shows Jesus as a complex individual." - Reviewed by Jenny Brown (Amazon.com, 2002).

"TERRIFIC! GREAT FOR CHURCH SURMONS." - Reviewed by Steven Hancock from Winston Salem, North Carolina (Amazon.com, 2002).

The last review is quite revealing because Mr. Hancock spelled Sermons wrong. Perhaps that is an indication of the literacy level of those that saw
this film and enjoyed it.

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Mary, Mother of Jesus
(NBC, 1999/2000)

.....When a major network must start its film with a disclaimer that reads, "While dramatic license has been taken, we believe this film reflects the spirit and historical significance of the biblical story of Mary and Jesus," it is best to turn the channel immediately. The film begins with Mary fleeing from the Romans as they are attacking her village. As the story unfolds, an angel appears to Mary outside of the city to announce her pregnancy. The Bible says it was inside the city, but NBC must know better. Mary is then threatened with stoning by her fellow villagers, and Joseph comes to her aid, also not found in the gospel passages. After Jesus' birth, Herod tells his soldiers to kill all children six months and younger, another Bible inaccuracy. Further into the film, Jesus' family is returning from Egypt, Roman soldiers ride by, and Jesus remarks that Herod must be dead. Jesus is depicted as a teenager in this scene. So when did Herod die? Herod died in 4 B.C. The first century writer Josephus wrote that he did. The Bible says that an angel visited Joseph and encouraged him to return his family to Israel not stay a number of years as the film portrays.

Identity Crisis Jesus

.... The next few scenes involve Jesus in the Temple. Mary and Joseph find him, scold the young man, and Jesus remarks that he must be about his Father's business. Biblically, that's an accurate portrayal, but the scene just prior to this is not. Jesus is attacked by a local bully, and he refuses to fight. After the confrontation, Jesus asks the question to Mary, "Why do I see these things (not wanting to fight because it solves nothing) but no one else does?" Either Jesus knew that he was the Messiah or he did not. Jesus' identity crisis is a major theme in this film.

Freaked Out Jesus
.... An hour into the film, Jesus is finally ready for ministry, or is he? Mary convinces Jesus to go on his ministry and be baptized by John. In a conversation between Jesus and Mary, Jesus uses the term "we" as if Mary is an essential component to his success. Shortly afterwards, Mary and Jesus are seen walking down a dirt road, and Jesus makes the bizarre statement that he had not heard God's voice for eighteen years. The last time Jesus had heard the voice was when he was in the temple at the age of twelve, but the Bible makes it very clear that Jesus walked in favor with God and man (Luke 2:52). Jesus was not abandoned by God nor left alone as the film suggests. NBC adds to the theme of uncertainty by depicting Jesus as being fearful. In a nighttime scene, Mary and Jesus are walking near a campfire, and they pause to converse. Jesus, visibly shaking and fearful, repeatedly asks the question, "Is it right? Is it right?" As Mary tries to convince him that the power that Jesus feels inside of himself, post-baptism, is an acceptable thing to have and he should use it as part of his mission (NBC, 1999). This film contains no scene of Pentecost. Mary is the one who encourages the Apostles to evangelize the World not the Holy Spirit of Acts.

Clearly, this film has taken liberties beyond what is scripturally acceptable. Admittedly, the worst part of this travesty is the reaction by the viewers.

Viewer Reactions to NBC's Mary, Mother of Jesus

Reviews of Amazon's Mary, Mother of Jesus that was produced by NBC.

"After watching this beautiful movie for the first time during the Easter season, we have used clips several times in our Women's Study class to illustrate the humanity, joys, and pains Mary may have experienced in being the mother of Jesus. One member thought it should be mandatory watching for new converts, others noted "it was the best they had ever seen" - Reviewed by Joann Blackburn from West Plains, Missouri (Amazon.com, 2002).

"This may very well be my favorite Jesus movie ever. I think this movie has not been given the full attention nor credit that it deserves." - Reviewed by Imearthbound (Amazon.com, 2002).

One Response by me. YIKES!

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Peter and Paul
(1981)

Summary: This film starts a few years after the resurrection of Jesus. Peter (Robert Foxworth, Falcon Crest) gathers on a dark street corner with 3-4 other followers of Christ discussing the pseudo-trial of Stephen. The story continues with the death of Stephen by stoning and Saul, later Paul (Anthony Hopkins) observes his stoning. Saul's conversion on the road to Damascus leads to his pre-journey meeting with Peter, attempts on his (Pauls) life and his travels with Barnabas (Herbert Lom, Pink Panther film series) and Silas (John Ryhes Davies). The film concludes with Pauls meeting with Festus and his eventual execution in Rome followed soon by Peters crucifixion.

Good aspects of the film: The only actor that comes close to Robert Foxworths "Peter" is Denis Quilleys portrayal of the character in A.D. or Anno Domini
(a 1980's mini-series) but in all honesty they tie. Foxworths intensity as the former fisherman is greatly needed because so many before him have turned the character into an eyes glazed over zombie. I was impressed with the passion and zealous spirit he brought to this character. Herbert Lom (Barnabas) greatly surprised me. His character showed a deep compassion and wisdom that no other actor, in a biblical film, before or since has brought to the screen. I applaud his performance as one of Pauls journey companions. Mr. Hopkins toward the middle of the film improved. I have never been a big fan of the stoic, blank faced, slow of speech, zombie-like performances of those attempting to "appear" righteous. Mr. Hopkins does loosen up which makes for an enjoyable performance half way through the film. Watch for his performance on the beach at Malta.

Poor aspects of the film: The attempt at the righteous "look" (slow of speech, the religious stare) is always a turn off for me. I just want to see a film portray biblical characters as ordinary people in extraordinary situations not bearded weirdos on medication. Mr Hopkins' performance starting with his meeting with Gamaliel (Jose Ferrer) contained this type of dialogue/performance which continued until the journeys began. Bad casting also plagued this movie. Eddie Albert (Green Acres) looked uncomfortable, perhaps looking for his wife (Lisa) Eva Gabor and trying to avoid the money hungry Mr. Haney. Raymond Burr as Herod looked like he was wearing a circus tent. The greatest error in this film was not in the characters performances but in the script. The problematic scene was apparently taken from Acts 15 where some believers wanted the Greeks to first become circumcised to become Christians, the Church disagreed (Acts 15:19). This belief was carried over into the issues of Greeks having to abstain from food equated with idols, blood, sexual immorality etc;. The film script said that no restrictions should be placed upon Christian Greeks. Biblically, Paul was clearly against sexual immorality according to Acts 15:28-32 but Hopkins' character was greatly opposed to this restriction. This scene was highly disappointing to me because of its ignorance of scripture.

 

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2007

 

CAN THE BIBLE BE FUNNY?